When the Holidays Hurt

December is portrayed by many as a happy time of year filled with warmth, community, and family. Yet for people carrying relational traumas, loss, or ongoing conflict, this time of year can deepen pain instead of soothing it. The pressure to “be merry” can make struggles in relationships feel even heavier and more isolating.

The holidays come with social expectations: to be close, generous, forgiving, and happy. When relationships are strained, those expectations can fester into quiet shame or resentment. Gatherings may bring unresolved concerns, painful memories, or a feeling of being on the outside looking in. Old patterns frequently reemerge under stress.

Healing does not mean pretending everything is fine or forcing reconciliation before you are ready. It begins with being honest with yourself about what you feel and what you need. Sometimes this looks like setting gentle boundaries, choosing smaller or shorter gatherings, or limiting certain conversations so that you can stay emotionally safe while still showing up where you are able.

Small Steps Toward Repair

Relationship repair is usually a series of small, intentional steps rather than one big conversation, so don’t feel discouraged by the process; you are healing even if it takes some time to see it. This might look like:

• Reaching out with a simple, sincere message instead of rehashing every past hurt.

• Naming one specific change you are willing to make, and one request you have of the other person.

• Agreeing to pause a difficult topic until after the holidays, while still staying connected in simple, present-focused ways.

These small choices create space for trust to slowly rebuild over time.

Give Yourself Permission

It is also healthy to accept that not every relationship can be repaired right now, or at all. Giving yourself permission to grieve the family you wish you had, the holiday you imagined, or the connection that is not possible, is an important part of healing. You are allowed to protect your peace, even during a season that emphasizes togetherness.

When traditional images of holiday joy do not match your reality, you can still create moments of meaning that fit your life today. This might be:

• Spending time with chosen family or supportive friends.

• Starting a new ritual that honors your values or your faith.

• Volunteering, resting, or intentionally keeping your plans simple and calm.

These choices affirm that your worth is not defined by how outwardly “perfect” your holidays look.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If this season brings up more than you feel able to carry, support is available. Talking with a therapist or joining a group can provide a safe place to process grief, anger, and hope around your relationships. Healing is often slow and non-linear, but you are not alone, weak, or “behind” for finding this time of year difficult.

The holidays can hold both pain and possibility at the same time, but you hold the power to decide which to allow into your life. You are allowed to move gently, to take up space with your real story, and to choose the relationships and rituals that truly support your healing.

As you navigate through the pain of what has been, it can also be powerful to begin setting intentions for what you want your relationships to look and feel like moving forward. This might mean clarifying your non‑negotiables, identifying the kind of communication and respect you expect, and noticing where you also want to grow or show up differently. Creating clear expectations is not about perfection; it is about honoring your worth, making choices that align with your values, and allowing new, healthier patterns to take root over time.

If this resonates with you, a weekly healing circle will be gathering in the new year on Tuesdays at 7:00 pm for men and 8:00 pm for women, to support those navigating ongoing relationship pain and the emotional weight it can carry throughout the year, including during the holidays. If you are interested in joining, or want to learn more, please reach out to support@pathwaysfcs.com to learn more details and connect with a member of our staff who can help you get scheduled.